The very honest thought of my current nature

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This blog always brings a nostalgic sensation whenever I click it. The most precise thing is I can see the innocence of my high school days; the moment when I was always anticipating new release and then I wrote a review about it while still having goosebumps..

The truth is … when I was still an eleventh grade student, approximately six years ago, I was bullied by my classmates. I cried a lot. I cried every time I went home and sometimes I cried secretly at school. It was too hard to describe but I thought I was living in hell where a whole class avoiding me. Some of them hated me and some of them were afraid to be hated because they were close to me. Moreover, I was once thinking of quitting school at that time. Fortunately, I made a right decision to discuss the problem with the teacher. As a result she helped me and took me into another class.

Few years after graduation, I always laughed every time I remember those hard times. I just thought it was silly, both the bullies and me. We were just too naive that we fought over unnecessary things. Then, I took it as a lesson. However, every time I remembered my high school days, I felt numb. I felt like I wasn’t there. There was an indescribable absence which I did not understand but I could sense something was missing. Then, I realized although I laugh as much as I could, I was still desperately injured inside. There was a deep pain causing an insecurity inside myself whenever I reminisced my teenage years. In the end, since that time, I always reflected on it. Once I experienced hard time, I would encourage myself that I could do it just like how I passed that obstacle.

This time is different. I dont laugh anymore when I recall those days. I think it was also my mistake. The mistake to be so weak and I didn’t stand up myself. I precisely hid and avoided trouble every time they wanted to make fun of me.

The reasons why I suddenly raise this topic is because I am in a frustrating state recently. I want to tell every single thing which annoy me but I am just so fed up of words. Although wise quotes are widely disseminated through out websites and social media, it’s not the same like the old days. I used to believe in all those words but ….. now, it’s heartbreaking as it seems I am fooled. They are no longer causing comfort in me because of the reality, they do not change things around me. This is embarrassing .. I live in the world of confusion. I cannot believe in anything, both from my own self and other people around me.

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